Posts
Image by .Live.Your.Life. via FlickrHello Everyone,I have been very busy writing music and writing articles on music, and teaching music. Music. Music. Music. And more Music! All in one night I have taught two online music history courses, composed an intro for an upcoming album, and completed jazz curriculum for a client on the West Coast. Busy. Busy. Busy.
I wish I was not so busy. My baby girl's first birthday is coming up soon and I cannot believe that the first year is over already! It makes me sad inside. I don't know. The first three months were very, very hard. I felt so very alone, even though my church friends visited often and brought me dinner and even cleaned my bathroom (thanks C.J.!) My mom-in-law did visit for a week, which did help immensely. My own parents have not seen her, yet. We hope to drive down to S. Florida in the spring to see them.
Soon she won't want to drink a bottle, soon she will be too big to cradle and cuddle in my arms, soon she will be talking up a storm and the baby babbles will disappear like dust. I hope that I have been the mom that she has needed. I hope that I have been the wife my husband needs. I feel like I am pulled from all directions. I can't do everything, but I try, I try so hard...to be a good mom, a good wife, a good teacher, a good musician...and I feel so many times like I am just failing at everything.
Every night I work till midnight. Its the only time I can concentrate on my work without entirely neglecting my family (and yes, I guess I neglect myself). It's not that I do not enjoy music. I love it! I just envisioned that when I got married and had my first baby that I would take care of her and write my music during my free time. Now I take care of her, teach online courses in my free time, attempt to be a wife, and work more into the late hours of the night. I am always tired. Always exhausted. Not very happy, to be honest.
Maybe I shouldn't be complaining. I really shouldn't. Things could be so much worse. I know single moms who never see their children, parents that have to scrounge just to make ends meet, and so many people without a job. I know I should be thankful for work. Hey, we are breaking even this month (almost)! That is something to celebrate, but when can I be a mom, just be a mom? When will I be a wife, and not have to be a teacher and writer and composer...not that I mind, but not all at the same time, and not 30 hours a week every week.
Sorry so sad tonight. Didn't mean to unload. Why is it easier to talk to cyberspace than a real person? Dunno.
Going to bed...I think...
Night,
Mamí Mozart
